Open Journal: Thoughts and Reflections from January

I'm finally sitting down to work on this blog, and having the vague realization that I didn't plan this out at all. But I'm going to take a breath and get some thoughts out anyway. I've never fully written or expressed any of this before (lucky you guys, getting all my ramblings!) but I think I've come to a good place with it, and hopefully I can get through it without being too confusing.

I'll spare you all a lot of the details of this story, because it's not really mine. Hopefully soon, I'll have this story's main character herself (everyone cheer!) write a guest post to share her journey, because it is deeply moving, and complicated, and one that inspires me almost every day.

Long story short, several months ago, my best friend got sick. Instead of recovering, she spent almost a month incredibly ill and then ended up in the hospital.

I spent almost two days preparing myself for losing her.

The doctors had no answers. Everyone was at a loss. All we had were incredibly scary reports. I have never prayed so fervently for something in all my life. Each night, I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep, trying to imagine a life where my other half wasn't just a text away, where my coffee-shop buddy and passenger princess was missing, and where I felt completely and totally alone.

I have told my mom many times, when trying to process the absolute trauma that these several months were, that aside from my family, this dear friend is the person I love most in the world.

How could God even threaten the life of someone I loved so dearly? What kind of a loving Father would let me experience such pain?

I never once doubted that God loved me, or thought that He wouldn't work all things for my good, like He promises in Romans 8:28.

But the questions were there, and instead of running from them, like I was tempted to do, I plunged into them headlong. I needed answers. I needed to see it for myself- what does God promise us? What is His character like?

My poor bible is filled with notes from these weeks. I was desperate for something to pull me out of the fear and questions that swirled in my mind, and so I spent almost all my free time reading my bible or listening to hymns. Silence was my enemy. Silence is when your thoughts run wild and your anxiety comes alive.

In His kindness to me, the Lord led me to a passage in 1 Peter, that I haven't been able to get out of my head ever since the day I first stumbled across it. I was sitting in the front row of church, listening to my dad preach a sermon he'd prepared specifically for the situation with our friend. When Crisis Hits was the theme of the sermon, and afterwards, as is our custom, my dad opened up the floor for the congregation to share thoughts they had about the passage we'd read.

I was flipping through my bible aimlessly, listening to a woman share a verse she had been encouraged by, when my bible opened to the very last chapter of 1 Peter.

"The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, establish, strengthen and support you after you have suffered a little while. To Him be the dominion forever, amen." -1 Peter 5:10-11

It was like the Holy Spirit had smacked me gently and told me to look up. God hadn't left me. In fact, he was right there beside me, waiting to restore, establish, strengthen, and support me, after I had suffered.

Romans 5:3-5 tells us that "And not only that, but we boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (emphasis mine).

It takes a total rewiring of the brain to look at suffering this way. But what a beautiful, beautiful promise Christ gives us: Suffering produces hope, hope that will not disappoint because God's love lives in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us. And God never abandons us in the midst of this suffering but instead restores and strengthens us. How beautiful, how wonderful, how marvelous is the love of our God!

Suffering is an inevitable part of this world. And even with the hope that Christ brings, it's painful, and messy, and it's never easy.

And our response matters.

How do we move on when our world has shattered around us? How do we begin to pick up the pieces of our life and try to walk forward?

Well, for starters, I began by bursting into tears in front of the whole church after my dad's sermon that day. Always a good place to begin.

But seriously.

As I've studied through scripture, doing my best to process and heal from the torrent of emotions and trauma, one theme has pulled itself to the forefront.

It comes in different words, but the message is the same: Take your thoughts captive. Look only at Christ. Consider the suffering nothing compared to the glory that is waiting to be revealed. Rejoice in the Lord always.

Rejoice.

In other words, stop focusing on your present circumstances. Look up and look at Christ.

Philippians says it best (don't you just love Paul?):

"In addition, my brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord.... Everything that was a gain to me, I have considered a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him, I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them as dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ- the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming I will somehow reach the resurrection of the dead." -Philippians 3:1, 7-11

My goal is to know Him.

Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ, who endured sufferings that we can't even imagine, was so filled with the joy of Christ that he penned this letter, and boldly proclaimed that none of it mattered because his goal was to know Christ and His resurrection.

That is the response to suffering.

This world is a passing shadow, but Christ is eternal, and He deserves all our praise for His goodness, for His love, for all His beauty.

And so I will say with Paul, my goal is to know Christ, and nothing else matters.

As difficult as those several months were, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Because in the midst of those sleepless nights and ugly crying sessions, God drew me closer and closer to Him, and opened my eyes to so much about Him. Without those months, I don't think I would be at the place with my faith that I am, and I wouldn't be able to stand here and say that I made it through.

Oh, and you know the part about all things working together for our good? Well, recently my best friend and I helped lead a worship night at our church together.

God gave her back to me, and I will never be able to shout His praises loud enough for all that He has done in my heart, and my life.

Soli Deo Gloria.